Im Addicted to Wholeness

Sunday, I realize that I didn’t take my vitamins and literally left church to go take them. In my vitamin regimen is a vitamin called “Brain Awake” and if I don’t take any other vitamin, I do NOT want to miss a day of that one. One thing I noticed about myself is that everything I experience in life affects me so much more mentally than physically. I am totally one of those people that you can give skittles to and say its pain medicine and i’ll swear by it! With that being said, I have no clue if these vitamins even help me but because I know what they are for, whenever I take them I feel an immediate change and results. It also works the opposite way, if I do not take my vitamins, I feel completely crippled mentally and paralyzed physically.

As I headed in the direction of our home, I could hear my husband in my head say “ You must be addicted to those pills to go back and take them!?” “Where is your faith?” “Is it that serious?” and immediately the Lord comforted me with this scripture:

27 “Everything has been entrusted to me by my Father. Only the Father knows the Son, and the Father is known only by the Son and by those to whom the Son reveals him. 28 Come to me and I will give you rest—all of you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke. Wear my yoke—for it fits perfectly—and let me teach you; for I am gentle and humble, and you shall find rest for your souls; for I give you only light burdens.”

Matthew 11:27-28 TLB

Verse 27 simply reminded me that God is in all things and if I limited his GIFT of healings to the laying on hands or to my strenuous petitioning, hoping it would lead to this miraculous wake up into wholeness, then I would completely rob myself of the benefits of Jesus’s life! Jesus died so that my families sin wouldn’t make me sick and my own iniquities wouldn’t keep me from experiencing the abundant life! I couldn’t even use my faith to anticipate healing without acknowledging the life and role of Jesus.

Verse 28 takes me back to a conversation I had with someone and she said what I was thinking but I ended up coming into agreement with it before I actually realized what was being said. She said “ You have an addictive personality!” Immediately I started to think down my family history and said to myself, “ yep, there is plenty of addiction there!”

I thought about when I was addicted to porn, masturbation, sex, alcohol, and tobacco, so I thought “ that explains why I battled to stop those things!” I also started registering my obsession with learning, reading my word, fasting, prayer, working out, shopping, and traveling. This statement really had me pondering and literally watching how much I commit myself to things. If I felt a compelling feeling to go to the gym, instead of registering it as me being the disciplined person I am, I would purposely rebel against it to avoid anything that looked close to addiction.

Reading this verse revealed to me that the reason why the addiction of porn, masturbation, sex, alcohol, and tobacco was wrong was because they ushered me into agreement with bondage, into agreement with self & Unrighteousness, and I came to those things instead of God. I was searching for comfort, validation, rest, and peace instead of being completely dependent on the resources God would bring to satisfy what I was searching for. When I gave my life to Christ, I put that same energy in my pursuit of Him and still found myself bound by Mental Illness, triggered from my past marriage, and overwhelmed with being an adequate influence in the lives of others even though i’m was extremely flawed!

The concept of rest seem so unobtainable because Manic Depression robs me of sleep and I could be extremely tired but my brain was cycling through thoughts of hopelessness, worthlessness, reminding me of ALL the times I had been rejected, and then the thoughts of suicide storm in. I taught a bible study lesson on the “Rest” of God, that most people dealing with this illness think rest comes from death or even heaven but the real “Rest” of God comes from the validation of Him approving our heart posture, intentions, and lifestyle. Knowing that, I realized that I was in the rest of God but because of my religious mindset, I didn’t recognize it so I wasn’t experiencing it.

I mean, this scripture was clearly talking to me because Ive been over working and overwhelming myself with upholding the image of God while suffering with what people would say is a “devil!” A part of my hard work was dismissing the possibility of God being in the things that brought me peace & rest that didn’t require me to be in prayer for 3 hours, going through deliverance sessions, or covering my car with sticky notes of Scripture & affirmations. I was literally fighting against the concept of God healing me through any other avenue but my faith.

The revelation behind this scripture that COMPLETELY changed my life and perspective was that God hears my prayers and knows my desire to be whole. Every encounter that I have is orchestrated by God to include the potential conversations with people I avoided because I thought they would judge my ability to lead well based on the thorn in my side. Noticing that God was in my decision to go to the gym twice a day because it was the only time I could process through my thoughts without laying in the bed in tears. Which then makes me realize that God is in every pill, sermon, scripture, a glass of wine, intimacy with my husband, photoshoot, and the therapist that doesn’t want to push pills or agendas.

I am not addicted to my vitamins, i’m desperate to be whole. Anything that brings me peace or rest, i’m drawn to it obsessively. The things that make my load lighter and helps me combat this illness of my mind, I will pursue them whole heartedly. The trick behind it all is for me to realize that God is in ALL things instead of pursuing these things as my God. As I take my vitamins, I am so grateful that God gave the formula to someone else that would one day aid me and never meet me. I am elated at the idea of having 2 times a day that’s set aside for me to digress and allow God to minister to me through every workout via worship music or relatable sermons.

I can’t limit what God can do or how He does it because it limits what I can do and how I do it! I’m not saying that its okay to use anything that brings you peace and say it’s God. What I am saying is that God is in all things and its our perspective that dictates whether we serve our God or our god serves us!